Wine and Film: Part Deux

I recently accomplished what the greatest minds in the history of mankind have tried and failed to do. I discovered the purpose of life. I'm not talking about the final chapter of Solomon's Lamentations either. Though, that is a pretty good answer.

No, with respect to the wisest man that has ever lived, the purpose of life is not to serve God. The purpose of life is to drink wine and watch films. Like many great discoveries, this was stumbled upon quite by accident. I'd opened up a bottle of zinfandel and popped Wes Anderson's latest work into the PS2. I think I may have been in a bad mood when this started. It's hard to say. Everything prior to my enlightenment is like a rapidly fading dream. At any rate, around the time Bill Murray fails the catch his train I realized that I was happier than I had ever been in my life. For a time I was content to sit back and let the waves of euphoria wash over my being, but it wasn't long before my more analytical personality subset stepped in. In true scientific fashion, I tried to replicate the experience the following night. I rented Punisher: War Zone from the red box (only a buck!) and this time went with a pinot noir. Hitting play on the DVD menu, I took a sip of wine readied myself for bliss.

I immediately began to have suicidal thoughts. I'm talking about within the opening credits. By the time I had gotten to Ray Stevenson kneecapping some (irish?) parkour freak with a sniper rifle the knives on my counter had taken on a tempting light. It would be quick, I told myself. Painless, just like Mike Altman promised. Fortunately my roommate came home soon after that and I was able to passive aggressively vent all of my negative energy directly onto him.

Shaken, but undeterred I continued with my dark experiments. At this point I fancied myself the protagonist from some work of Lovecraft. I would defeat the cliched pessimistic ending however. I entered the fray with a militant flair. The following night found me seated in the living room dual wielding a bottle of Gnarly Head old vine zin and a plate of homemade pesto shrimp fettuccine. I'd brought out the heavy artillery; Lawrence of Arabia. No one could have a suicidal thought while watching Lawrence of Arabia. I'm sure of it.

Success! Maurice Jarre's epic score filled the room, and, once again I found myself floating in a blissful state normally reserved for the most diligent of Buddhist priests. Keep in mind, at this point, I'm only staring at a freaking black screen. Can you imagine the sensations once actual vivid anamorphic 70mm images began to assault the senses?

I'm telling you, religions could be founded on this.

New New Wave

The interwebz have changed our world as everyone knows at this point. Within it's labyrinthine depths, the internet has spawned a new digital universe that is parallel to (and entwined with) the physical one we inhabit. Entire cultures and subcultures have sprung up in this homegrown alien landscape. Their raw energies have breached our own culture and changed the face of entertainment, politics, socialization, and... grammar. I grit my teeth here with such intensity that Jared Leto can hear it from across the room.

Everyone knows about the powerhouses. Google. Youtube. Facebook. These are the phenomena with mass equivalent to an PHP moon. Even in the real world we can feel her server side processes dynamically altering the HTML tides of our lives. My, that was an unwieldy analogy.

Something that fascinates me is a single facet of the youtube effect. Namely what I see as the unintentional creation of a new new wave. A (very) brief history: in the late 1950's through the 1960's a maverick group of french filmmakers and critics formed theories and films that flew in the face of convention. These iconoclastic auteurs questioned everything that had come before essentially tore down the ruling class of the filmmaking world.

Today we can watch dark jedi Tom Cruise killing Oprah.



The old gods of cinema are no longer sacred thanks to a new generation that has grown up with cameras in their phones and wifi connections. We have a veritable army of kids with film studios in their laptops. They are untrained, uneducated masses with power, and they play without restraint in a chaotic digital landscape.

15 years ago King Leonidas would have inspired awe and fear in the populous. Today he break dances in a bear suit and guns down Chunk with a tommy gun. Or is that Captain Picard? Then again, everyone seems to want a piece of Chunk, even Jack Bauer.

Youtube new wave. Where you can watch Korben Dallas fight Neo. Neo fight Robocop. Robocop fight The Terminator. You can watch Simon Pegg gun down Charlize Theron (and just about everyone else), or, if you're among our female viewership, you can watch the touching story. of two star-crossed lovers. Didn't notice those homoerotic undertones the first time you watched Back To The Future, did you?

Hitler raves about his stolen car. Obama gangster raps (badly), and badgers dance to techno raves of "don't taze me bro" and Christian Bale cursing out his DP. Both of those albums would come with the parental warning sticker for sure.

Sure, it's mindless entertainment. Internet memes that will be remembered only by the truly hardcore geeks. To me though, it has the spirit of irreverence that I find when watching À Bout De Souffle. These people are taking the movie icons of a generation and turning them into unwitting puppets. The parts of a film that used to make you hold your breath without realizing it are reduced to 2 minutes worth of comedy on your lunch break.

It's part of something much larger for sure. This is a transition to the future, but I love what it is right now. Youtube new wave.

Rock the dragon

With the new dragon ball movie in only a month, I felt it was time to retread some of those nostalgic memories. I jumped on the interwebs and and was watching old fansubbed copies of DBZ movie 7 (super android #13) in no time.

I'm not sure when it was I fell in love again, but my best guess in somewhere around when that wave crashes over superimposed kanji in the opening credits.

I don't want to complain about my childhood. It was better than some people's. It was more screwed up than some people's. I consider myself fortunate at any rate. One irrefutable fact, however, is that I was media deprived to an extreme. I never owned a tape or CD to my recollection. We never had cable, and what static infused signals my sisters and I managed to snare with our crude tin foil traps were measured out to us in meager rations. There were one or two movies we'd received as christmas presents over the years. I think I visited a theater 3 times between age 1 and 16.

Thanks to my friend Dennis, Dragon Ball Z was a ray that pierced the thick veil of media blackout. I first heard him talking about it at a school meeting in the auditorium. He spoke of strange and mysterious things. Goku's base power outnumbered the entire Ginyu force's by 14,000. Still this was nothing to Frieza who numbered 1,000,000 is his fourth form. Dennis talked about kamehamehas that could destroy planets, and Goku sacrificing his life energy to make a wish with the all powerful Shenron to save the universe. And what the crap was a "super saying" anyway?




Those spiky haired bastards fascinated me.

In short order order I was sitting on his bed surrounded by video game consoles and watching Vegeta shatter an androids protective lenses through the sheer power of his aura. I was hooked. We'd eagerly await new bootleg episodes to arrive stateside, and snap them up. Of course we grew out of it eventually, but DBZ became my childhood nostalgia in the process. Some people reminisce about Saturday morning cartoons. I look back fondly on future Super Saiyajin Trunks killing Cyborg Frieza.

This was all incredibly cheesy, but it possessed some kind of magic. The world of DBZ is a world of high adventure. Dinosaurs roam the wilderness and there are evil beings of godlike power to be battled at every turn.

Apparently this magic still exists. As I mentioned above, I was back in love from moment one of my return. I found myself lurking the forums once more in search of validity to the Dragon Ball AF series. I formulated theories in my mind over what happened when Goku transformed into a super saiyajin in the middle of forming a genkidama while fighting Dr. Gero's android. Obsession with base power was back. When Vegeta allows Babidi to take over his mind and create Maijin Vegeta, is the resulting power level greater than Goku's? What about when he goes super saiyjin 3?

Ever notice these posts aren't really about anything? I was speaking of the movie.

The trailer looks like it was cut by an eleven year old. The clips I've seen actually feature some cool fight sequences however. Still, I've no doubt this movie will suck. Bulma doesn't even have blue hair! As they do concerning most matters, my thoughts on this closely align with Hitler's. Of course, Dragon Ball and Hitler have never gotten along.

Do yourself a favor and skip next month's offering. Pick up some DVDs of the original series and kick back. You won't be disappointed.

KungFu Hustle vs. KungFu Panda

Many of you may not be familiar with my comparison and general analysis of the films KungFu Hustle and KungFu Panda. Which is to say many of you are unread, uneducated slobs. Fortunately I forgive you and have decided to provide you with a chance salvage some part of your sad existence. I'll be posting the entire volume here. This is considered the definitive work on the subject.

KungFu Hustle VS. KungFu Panda

Round 1: Autuer Ingeniusality

KungFu Hustle



Stephen Chow was first discovered hustling on the streets of Hong Kong to scratch out a living. Taken under the wing of a blind repertory theater owner it wasn't long before Mr. Chow revealed himself to be a prodigy in the field. Only one year after being lifted from squalor he wrote, directed, and starred in KungFu Hustle. At the time, Stephen Chow was 12 years old.

KungFu Panda



Jack Black is obese.

1 point: Kungfu Hustle

Round 2: Critical Receptionality

Kungfu Panda is going to the oscars this year. It will get trounced by Wall-e, but they always say it's an honor just to be nominated. Kungfu Hustle will never receive any amount of critical attention because there is no justice in the universe. You live and die alone.

1 point: KungFu Panda(?)

Final Round: Historical Accuracy

Kungfu Panda manages to work in some really great history lessons without feeling contrived. You're watching action of pure awesome pouring from your screen, yes, but you are also learning what hold Master Wuxi developed in the third dynasty. The fact that Po attains enlightenment without having to die/go insane/read a scroll/receive simultaneous chi driven manipulation of thousands of pressure points is an incredible oversight. Unfortunately, this is typical of how hollywood will brush aside realism in order to pander to their target demographic.

Kungfu Hustle manages to get the enlightenment angle right. It also demonstrates some little known facts such as the ability to amplify the already lethal lion's roar technique, or that tai chi chuan can prevent injury from abusive spouses. What's really noteworthy about this film is it introduces some nearly forgotten techniques such as the deadly melody to a brand new generation. Could we expect anything less from the Yuen clan's most renowned member?

Winner: Kungfu Hustle

An epic battle for sure. It was anyone's game. Look for me to revisit this when we see Kungfu Hustle 2 and Kungfu Panda 2 in the coming years.

Here's to you Mr. Ebert

"Mrs. Robinson, if you don't mind my saying so, this conversation is getting a little strange"

I stumbled across and old review of The Graduate by Roger Ebert today. No. Not that old. I'm talking 1997 when Mr. Ebert reviewed the 30th anniversary release of the film. The irony contained within is tangible.

First off, The Graduate is one my favorite films of all time. Seriously, It would be hard to overstate my love for this movie, and I'm known for my ability to exaggerate. What I'm trying to say is I'm biased. Moving on.

Roger Ebert is old.

When the he first reviewed this movie it would seem he liked it. He liked it a lot. Here's an example: As Benjamin and Elaine escaped in that bus at the end of The Graduate, I cheered, the first time I saw the movie.

Ah. The first time he says. However, times have changed the man as they must change us all. He proceeds to explain how wisdom has prevailed in his golden years. He now sees that the parents were in the right all along. Benjamin is simply a typical self-centered mentally challenged young'n. As Mr. Ebert states, Anyone with average intelligence should have known, in 1967, that the word plastics contained valuable advice. Clearly this generation gap the movie portrays is patently false.



"To be perfectly honest she doesn't like me"

Show it to a young Roger Ebert. He Cheers. Show it to an old Roger Ebert. He rejects the values as false. What's incredible here, what's mind blowing to me, is that he doesn't see how this neatly proves the entire point that he is dismissing. The disparity of views (his own views!) clearly shows the generation gap.

When does it happen? When do people forget what it's like to live for something other than the values of society and adherence to an ancient set of rules? When do our passions cease to be a factor in our lives? When do we stop wanting our lives to be... how did Benjamin put it? Different. It seems to happen to everyone at some point.



"Well, I would say that I'm just drifting. Here in the pool"

I'm not young myself, and far from championing the film's anti establishment themes I actually see Benjamin's actions as incredibly foolish. Of course that isn't the point, and I don't believe it was Mike Nichol's point when he made this movie.

Like most films, the ending is vital to understanding any message the artists might have. Watch it and you see Benjamin's expression of exuberance turn blank. He begins to look uncomfortable. Elaine looks at him and as she turns back to the front of the bus her face begins to mirror his. They both stare in awkward silence to the front of the bus. Sitting apart from each other on the bench the silence continues and the bus rolls on towards the horizon and an uncertain future.



"Goddamn that's great. So old Elaine Robinson got started in a Ford"

So what is the point? Is there one? Benjamin and Elaine had a lot going for them if they just played by the rules. A high paying and soul crunching career in plastics for Benjamin. A loveless but financially stable and socially acceptable marriage for Elaine. They both rebelled against their fates and had the daring to seek something more. Like real life though, there's no fairy tale ending to this picture. Maybe they come to regret their decisions, but that's something we all need to figure out for ourselves. That's part of getting old, and that's what The Graduate is all about. That's what Roger Ebert has forgotten.